Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
