I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just threw up on my dentist
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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