so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
