I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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