tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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