Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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