im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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