You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
