I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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