fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
