She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize