I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
