Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
