dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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