i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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