At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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