i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
