For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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