I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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