Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
