Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
