i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
