We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
