he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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