I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
