Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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