i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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