i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
