Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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