So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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