fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
