So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize