Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
