I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Acid is not a monday night drug
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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