she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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