I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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