You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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