he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
