I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
