Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
