um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
