I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you had me at cake vodka
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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