im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
