I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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