The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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