Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So squirting runs in the family.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
