i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
