Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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