I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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