checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
