Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
