dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
