She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize