i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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