I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
