I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
