I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
