didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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