I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
